


thinking out loud: one shots

by ksmalltalk



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Flirting, Fluff, M/M, Soft Eddie Diaz, here i am posting them to this site, people sent me stuff on tumblr, prompts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24270058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksmalltalk/pseuds/ksmalltalk
Summary: a collection of prompt replies from the blue website
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 112





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to give me a follow on tumblr: benjisvictor

#15. "don't move, they hit your head really hard"

A crowded bar on a Friday night is hardly a new scene but it’s one that grates on Buck’s nerves nonetheless. Normally this would be his scene exactly but he’s had the day from hell and would prefer to be in the comfort of his own home or Eddie’s—though truth be told they’re on in the same. Unable to say no to Eddie’s request for a night out to take his mind off losing someone on a call today, he finds himself here now. It isn’t the first time a call didn’t go his way, but it always gnaws at Buck when he isn’t able to ensure someone gets home to their families.

“It’s not your fault,” everyone at the 118 assured him but those words of comfort just glanced off of him like water. 

The truth is, in Buck’s mind anyway, is that there is always something extra that he could have done. If he’d been a little bit faster racing over. If he’d been quicker to get his supplies open. If, if, if. The weight of what could have been is suffocating and in a packed bar, there was truly no room to breathe.

Buck and Eddie attempt to make their way to the bar, a feat that proves difficult and feels more like walking across a landmine. Buck is constantly bumping against someone or stepping on someone’s foot by mistake.

“Maybe we should just get out of here,” Buck says aloud, unsure of if his words even carry over the din of the other patrons.

“Just one drink,” Eddie shouts back. “You deserve it.”

Buck can’t help but to roll his eyes at this comment. He doesn’t deserve anything, not after what happened today. But he knows Eddie is only doing his best to take his mind off things and he can’t truly fault him for that.

With great difficulty they make it to the bar but are soon presented with a new task: getting a bartender’s attention. There are three behind the counter working their best to make the rounds. Eddie raises his arm to try and flag one down but as his arm drops, it hits the gentleman beside him.

From just one glance alone Buck can tell the man is pretty wasted and looking for a reason to snap.

“Excuse you,” the guy says, voice booming. A few people look their way. Eddie’s face morphs into a look of mild confusion for a moment before recognition sets in.

“I’m sorry, that was an accident,” he says. Buck keeps his eyes trained on the man, however, noting the way his shoulders raise. If this man is looking for a fight, Buck is ready for it.

“I’m sure it was, asshole,” the guy responds, glancing over to his friends.

Eddie shakes his head, the picture of calm and collected but that’s the last thing Buck is feeling now. He’s already on edge from today and if tonight has to end with him going over it, then so be it.

“Look, I’m not trying to start anything. I’ve apologized. It was a genuine mistake,” Eddie replies smoothly.

The man chuckles humorlessly and in the quickest of flashes, a fist catches Eddie on the jaw. Before he can even react, Buck launches himself on the man, his punches swift and deft. Buck can feel hands clawing at him, presumably Eddie’s but he’s in such a fit of blind rage that nothing in this moment even feels real. Soon the hands trying to take him off of this jerk are replaced by punches.

He’s in an all-out brawl with God only knows who but he can’t stop. He hasn’t been angry like this in so long and admittedly, it’s kind of addictive.

Buck can hear people shouting, stools tipping over and glass shattering. 

Somehow, they’re outside now, Buck against the world. He looks up in time to see that maybe that isn’t correct because there’s Eddie fighting alongside him.  
Buck is aware of the wash of blue and red lights and the cry of a siren now coming to an end and that’s when his vision starts to blur and get a bit dark at the edges. He sways and feels Eddie’s arms propping him up.

“Don’t move, they hit your head really hard,” Eddie says but the words barely register, his eyes closing slowly.

“Whoa, hey, no. Look at me, Buck. Right here; eyes on me. You might have a conscious and the last thing you want to do is go to sleep.”

“I’m so…tired,” Buck rasps. It takes every bit of energy he has and it’s a precious commodity given how drained he feels.

“I know but you’ve gotta stay awake, okay? You’re going to be alright but you just have to stay with me a bit longer, yeah?”

“I’m sorry,” Buck mutters softly. 

“For what? You kept your promise. You had my back and I’ve got yours, alright. That’s nothing to be sorry for.”


	2. Chapter 2

#48. “I took your hoodie, and you’re not getting it back.”

“Whoa, you weren’t lying when you said you had a ton to do today, were you?” Eddie says aloud, surveying the wreck that is Buck’s bedroom.

The loft is practically bursting with unruly piles of clean clothes that have yet to be returned to their proper home inside of Buck’s closet or his dresser. It’s a sharp contrast to how the space ordinarily looks but the recent run of 24-hour shifts down at the station bumped cleaning down on Buck’s list of priorities in favor of food and rest.

“Nope. This week kicked my ass and now I have to spend my day off doing _chores_ ,” Buck replies, the disdain ringing clear as day. “Thanks for helping me though. I owe you one.”

Eddie shrugs. “Eh, there are worse ways to spend the day. Alright,” he says, clapping his hands together. “Game plan’s as follows: we work through putting your clothes away and then we start on vacuuming and all that. Then we move on to the kitchen and that sink full of dishes. I think I saw two pots trying to make a break for it when I came in,” he jokes.

Buck nods in agreement. “Copy that.”

They set to work, moving about the room. Eddie folds with such precision while Buck’s style is far laxer, his pile not looking nearly as kept as his boyfriend’s. Buck chalks it up to both Eddie’s time in the military and Buck’s own haste to get this over and done with. They work in a comfortable silence for a while that’s broken about fifteen minutes in when Eddie speaks up.

“Hey, I thought I lost this thing,” he remarks.

Buck turns from the dresser and glances over at Eddie who’s holding up a gray hoodie. It’s non-descript enough but if one were to look closely, they’d see the tear in the cuff on the left side and a similar hole in the hem on the right. Eddie’s eyes drift to these spots, instinctively identifying the hoodie as his property.

“Oh yeah, I took your hoodie,” Buck says. “And you’re not getting it back,” he adds on quickly, refusing to give Eddie even a moment to make his case for why he should return the sweater.

“I didn’t realize I was seeing a klepto,” Eddie muses, fiddling with the drawstring before folding the hoodie back up. “What, did you want a souvenir?”

It’s a joke but it tugs at something in Buck’s chest because, perhaps, that’s part of the reason why he stole Eddie’s sweater in the first place.

“Kind of, I guess,” he replied earnestly.

Eddie’s smile wavers a bit and he looks to Buck curiously. Buck appreciates him giving the space to work out his thoughts and for a moment, he’s quiet as he tries to piece it all together.

“I mean, it’s nice having something of you here.”

Inwardly Buck cringes at how vulnerable the statement is but the confession is as genuine as they come. As much as he doesn’t like to think about it, he hates just how lonesome he can get inside of his apartment. Everyone else in his life has someone they can return home to at the end of the day. On those instances when he’s away from Eddie, the desolation creeps up. That isn’t the type of company he likes to keep. But having a piece of Eddie, even with something as mundane as a hoodie, helps to stave off the feeling.

“On a scale of one to ten, how much would you judge me if I said I sleep with that thing next to me?” he asks, lifting a brow.

Eddie lets out a chuckle and shakes his head. “This is a judgment free zone. Actually, I think it’s pretty cute. You’re the president of my fan club,” he teases.

Buck rolls his eyes and laughs. “Let’s not get carried away now,” he rebuts but it’s futile. There’s no denying the fact that Buck can’t get enough of the guy across from him.

Eddie moves from where he’s folding clothes on the bed to Buck’s closet, fishing around for a bit. Buck’s brows furrow in confusion.

“What are you doing?” he asks but Eddie just tosses an arm backwards and shoos him without a verbal response.

“Ah,” he says after a beat. In his hand is one of Buck’s burgundy shirts. Eddie presses the fabric against his face and breathes in deeply. “This’ll do.” Buck can’t help the wide grin that breaks across his face.

“It’s only fair,” Eddie says. “You steal one of my favorite hoodies. I nick one of your favorite shirts.”

“Fair is fair,” Buck agrees, a mischievous grin on his face.

Eddie walks back over to him, mirroring his expression. He bends down and kisses Buck softly on the mouth, wiping the smug grin off his face with the sincerity of it all. Buck gets lost in the feel of it, his hand sliding up Eddie’s chest and tugging at his collar to draw him nearer. Eddie’s mouth is a terrain he’s all too familiar with but this isn’t a road he’s ever tired of going down. He breathes Eddie in, a heady feeling rushing over him as he breathes the other man in. He loves Eddie’s hoodie. He sleeps with it damn near every night but nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever be a substitute for the real thing.


	3. Chapter 3

#97. Taking care of the other when sick/injured 

Eddie places the back of his hand against Buck’s forehead and frowns. He repeats the gesture alongside his throat and clicks his tongue. “Buck, you’re really hot.”

Buck manages a cheeky smile. “Tell me something I don’t know,” he says smoothly before groaning and swallowing thickly.

Eddie scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Christ, even with a fever you still manage to find a way to be a little shit, huh?” he razzes. “No more talking. You’ll only make yourself feel worse.”

Buck watches as Eddie gets to his feet again and retrieves a hand towel from one of Buck’s drawers. The ease to which Eddie moves in his home is not lost on Buck. Eddie is assured in each step he takes, knowing just as well as Buck where everything is. There’s a comfort to that, Buck thinks, in knowing that there’s someone out there that’s so attuned with him that being in a place that isn’t theirs can still feel like home.

Eddie leaves the room and Buck’s tired eyes drift shut though he remains awake. He can hear Eddie’s bare feet padding against the hardwood floor, followed by the rush of running water. Buck can just picture Eddie mulling about the kitchen, grabbing whatever odds and ends he needs to help Buck through. A soft smile tugs at his lips but he doesn’t even have the energy to keep it for long. He can feel himself drifting just as Eddie’s footsteps approach.

“Here,” Eddie says softly and Buck’s eyes flutter open at the feel of a cool compress on his forehead. He shudders slightly in relief. Every nerve in his body is firing and any form of reprieve is welcome to him.

“I hate this,” he mutters, his bottom lip jutting out.

“Oh boy, you’re such a baby,” Eddie teases from the bedside. “I swear, you’re even worse than Chris when he gets sick.”

“To be fair, that kid is tough as hell,” Buck counters.

Eddie nods and concedes. “Fair point but you’re also one of L. A’s finest. You’ve survived far worse than a fever. You’ll be okay.”

Buck makes an undignified sound and Eddie laughs. “Drink some of this,” he says to Buck, reaching for the mug he brought up with him.

“What is?” Bucks asks.

“Vodka. Good lord, it’s tea. What else would it be?”

“I don’t like tea,” Buck replies, sitting up in bed.

“Fine. Then stay sick longer. See how much you’ll like that.”

The words are a challenge and Buck can see it’s a losing battle. Grudgingly, he takes the steaming mug from Eddie’s hands and brings it towards his face. He breathes in the vapors and feels the heaviness in his chest lift marginally. After a moment he takes the first sip, savoring in the warmth of the liquid as it hits his tongue and coats his throat.

“That’s actually good,” he says, his tone colored in obvious surprise.

“Abuela’s recipe. Works every time,” Eddie replies as Buck helps himself to more of the drink.

Eddie sits on the edge of the bed beside Buck and brushes his fingertips against Buck’s cheek. Buck’s heart lurches at the contact. As sick as he is, there’s no getting over how it feels to be touched by Eddie; his body will always respond to this man. Eddie murmurs something so softly that Buck can’t discern but it hardly matters. He gets swept up in the repetition of Eddie’s gentle strokes, sighing contently as he finishes his tea.

“All done?” Eddie asks. Buck nods and Eddie’s takes the mug from him, setting it on the nightstand. “We’ll get you better in no time, I promise,” he assures.

Whatever pledges Eddie makes, Buck will take him at his word time and time again without question.

Eddie removes the cloth from Buck’s forehead and tosses it next to the cup as he lets loose a low sigh.

“I wish there was more I could do,” he says, his hand reaching for Buck’s who doesn’t hesitate in linking their fingers.

“You’re doing plenty, Eddie. Thank you. Even you just sitting here is enough, honest.”

The sentiment seems to do the trick and Buck watches as the corner of Eddie’s mouth turns up into a shy half smile. Buck exhales audibly and closes his eyes once more. He feels the pad of Eddie’s thumb making soft circles against the back of his hand. Despite how much he loves the gesture and this stolen moment with Eddie, a part of him worries that all this closeness now won’t be good for him later.

“You’ll get sick too,” Buck says though he makes no effort to make Eddie move.

“It’ll be worth it. Try to get some sleep, alright? I’ll be right here when you wake up.”


	4. Chapter 4

#4. “holding everything in doesn’t help, you know?”

The first, most immediate thing Buck recognizes is the silence. The way it presses itself up against him, bumping uncomfortably and making a place for itself in his home.

All the elation he felt back at Bobby’s and Athena’s is practically washed clean now that he finds himself alone. Again. He figured by now he’d be used to it. How many other nights were spent just like this one?

His phone buzzes against the coffee table and for a moment Buck considers not answering it. But a quick glance at the screen makes his arm reach out before he’s even fully aware of what he’s doing.

“Hey,” he says.

“What’s wrong?” Eddie asks immediately in lieu of an actual greeting. Buck is brought up short, confused as to how a casual phrase like ‘hey’ could warrant such concern.

“Uh, nothing? Why?”

Buck can almost see the nonchalant shrug he’s certain Eddie must make on his end. “I don’t know. You just sounded off to me.”

Buck isn’t used to someone disarming him like this, especially when they aren’t even physically in the same room as him.

“Just tired, I guess,” Buck mumbles.

The line goes quiet long enough for Buck to pull the phone away to make sure the call is still active. Just as he’s about to call Eddie’s name, the man speaks up.

“Are you too tired for me to drop by?” he asks. Buck doesn’t particularly feel up for company right now but something in the hesitancy of Eddie’s voice makes him bite back the dismissal poised on his tongue.

“Yeah, of course. I’ll see you in a bit.” He ends the call and sucks in a deep breath, trying in vain to cleanse himself of the pissy mood he’s in but there’s far too much static in his head for it to be a success.

He tries to keep busy as he waits for Eddie but he can’t focus on tasks for long before his mind drifts back to the train wreck. How fitting, he thinks. Of course, his closure with Abby would come from catastrophe. The universe has a sick sense of humor and Buck doesn’t find it even remotely funny.

He’s pulled from his dark thoughts at the sound of Eddie knocking. He drags himself off the couch to let him in. Buck doesn’t know what to make of Eddie’s expression and the man on the other side of the threshold eyes him curiously too before Buck steps aside wordlessly to let him in. The air between them is charged and it makes the hairs on the back of Buck’s neck stand as they head into the kitchen. He’s seldom this peeved and he can already feel his anger is being misdirected.

“So…what’s up?” Buck asks, taking the initiative in breaking the stiff tension.

“I thought I’d check in on you. See how you were doing with everything.”

The word _everything_ does a lot of heavy lifting but Buck knows well enough what Eddie’s truly getting at.

“I’m alright. I’ve had time to deal with all that Abby drama and I’m good. Thanks for asking,” he says. His tone is clipped and judging from the way Eddie’s eyes squint marginally, it’s not appreciated.

“You’ve been through a lot, man. I don’t think anyone would blame you for being angry. That was a hell of a bomb that got dropped on you. All I’m saying is that if you want to talk about it, _actually_ talk, I’m here.”

The shift in his mood is instantaneous and Buck can’t help the fiery wave that roils through him, clawing up out of his throat like an angry winged thing.

“What do you want me to say? That I’m mad? That I’m pissed off? What does that do? Who does that help?” Buck shouts, his hands trembling in fists at his sides.

Eddie stares at him for a moment, his eyes patient and calm. For some reason this irritates Buck even further. Normally Eddie is like a balm that can soothe even the orneriest of hurts but now he’s hitting far too close to something Buck would rather keep at bay.

“You,” Eddie says simply. “It helps you.”

It’s remarkable how one little, innocuous statement manages to take the wind right out of him. Buck relaxes his stance and looks away, unable to meet Eddie’s eyes. If there’s even a trace of pity in them, he won’t be able to bear the sight. This isn’t a version of himself that he wants anyone to see, never mind one of the closest people to him. He knows that Eddie wouldn’t judge. If there was ever a person he could let his guard down around it would be the man standing before him. But Buck can’t bring himself to it. Not right now.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m good,” Buck says after a moment, composed well enough to face Eddie full on.

“You sure about that?” It isn’t said as a challenge but it still feels like one to Buck. Is he good? If anything, this conversation is prodding at him and it’s evident Eddie doesn’t have any problems with calling him out.

“Why are you even asking me this?” Buck replies, switching tactics.

“I think it’s about time someone finally did. Look, I’m not trying to set you off,” Eddie says, leaning back against the counter. “I’m just trying to understand you better, that’s all. It’s okay to be mad. It’s even better to actually talk about it.”

Buck lets out something between a laugh and a scoff and shakes his head.

“There’s gonna come a time when you’ll need to let things out, Buck. Holding everything in…it doesn’t help, you know?”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Buck reels in his thoughts. “I can’t go there right now,” he says, dropping his hand and looking back at Eddie. The man has been frozen in place this whole time as if one wrong move will set Buck off. He feels guilty for it and let’s go some of the tension in his shoulders.

“I appreciate what you’re doing, Eddie, but…I can’t.”

Eddie nods. “At least you’re admitting to feeling something. That’s a start,” he replies.


	5. Chapter 5

#17/18. “I remember kissing you, why do I remember kissing you?”/ “are you that desperate?” “for you, yes.”

Buck rolls onto his side to shield his eyes from the assault of sunlight pouring into his room. If he could, he’d shoot the sun down to keep it from ever hurting his eyes again. But such a feat would require energy that his body simply doesn’t have now. The wave of nausea that crests in his stomach combined with the throbbing ache at his temples tells Buck everything he needs to know about how last night went.

Normally he prides himself on being able to handle his alcohol but he was no match for Eddie despite his best efforts to keep up with him. He had to wonder if at some point Eddie hadn’t pulled a fast one on him and had been downing water each time instead of vodka like him. Buck groans and kneads the middle of his forehead with the butt of his hand. It does very little to alleviate the tension there but Buck naïvely clings to the notion that this simple act alone will be his saving grace.

No, what he needs is a shower and something to settle his stomach. The very thought of getting out of bed seems daunting but Buck forces himself to sit up, pushing aside the comforter draped haphazardly on his bed. He swings his feet over the side and sits still for a minute. It’s progress, albeit slow, but he’ll take a victory no matter how small. After a beat he stands up and clears his throat. His mouth his dry and Buck does his best to maintain his balance. He’s glad no one is around to see him wobbling like a newborn calf on his legs.

Buck makes the treacherous journey down the stairs, cursing each step as he goes and regretting the fact that his bedroom is even in a loft in the first place. The first time he saw it he thought it was a cool idea and Buck also tosses in one more curse to his former self for failing to see the downside of this setup. He stops his grumbling when he notices the smell of coffee and hears movement in the kitchen.

“Wow, look who’s finally up,” Eddie calls out to him. “I was just about to go up and check on you.”

Buck looks out at the spread on the kitchen’s island. Eddie’s been busy this whole time making breakfast meanwhile Buck could barely drag himself out of bed. He looks at Eddie and shakes his head.

“How are you even functioning right now?” he asks in disbelief.

Eddie laughs at him. “Not all of us are lightweights.”

Buck narrows his eyes teasingly and leaves Eddie for a moment to clean up in the bathroom. One look at his reflection makes him grimace. He knew he felt like roadkill but apparently, he looks like it too. He does what he can to look somewhat presentable before shutting off the light and going back into the kitchen. Eddie’s already fixed a plate for him which he eyes wearily.

“I know I can’t exactly cook,” Eddie interjects, beating Buck to the punch, “but breakfast stuff I can do so eat up.”

Buck’s growling stomach doesn’t object and he picks up his fork, turning it on its side to cut through a pancake.

“How are you feeling?” Eddie asks, standing across the island from him.

“Like total crap. Remind me to never challenge you to a drinking game again. I barely remember even getting into bed last night,” he says, shaking his head.

He watches as Eddie’s mouth twists to the side, as if both in thought and concern.

“Are you okay?” Buck ventures.

“Hmm? Oh yeah, I’m good.”

“You may be an expert drinker but you’re a shit liar,” he counters.

Buck doesn’t miss the nervous look that flashes across Eddie’s face for the faintest of moments. Had his eyes not been trained on the other man, he might’ve missed it.

“Seriously, Eddie. What’s going on?”

Eddie drums his fingers absently on the counter top, seemingly plucking up the courage to say whatever he has to next. Buck’s eyes drift from Eddie’s pensive eyes to his lips and a foggy memory tugs at back of his mind.

“How much do you actually remember from last night?” Eddie asks, his words measured.

Buck pauses for a moment to consider. He recalls Eddie initially coming over, the two of them watching a few movies and passing bottles between them. He remembers sitting closely beside Eddie, far closer than he’s ever dared or figured he’d have a right to. He remembers telling Eddie how jealous he was the first time they met because he thought Eddie was hot enough to steal his spot on the calendar. He remembers far more now than he thought he did when he woke up.

He remembers Eddie laughing off the compliment until Buck drove the point home, listing all the things he thought were attractive about Eddie. He remembers Eddie swatting away that compliment too until Buck shut him up with a kiss.

Something telling must have flashed across his face because a look of recognition flits across Eddie’s just then.

“I remember kissing you,” Buck says slowly, trying to make the words click as he says them aloud. “Why do I remember kissing you?”

“Because you did,” Eddie says bluntly but Buck notes the caution in his words, as if he’s safeguarding himself.

“Yeah…that’ll do it.” Buck isn’t sure what to say just then and fiddles with his fork to avoid looking at Eddie.

“Thoughts?” Eddie prompts, clearly wanting to engage in this line of conversation.

“If I freaked you out, I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know, was being stupid and got carried away,” he mumbles.

Eddie sighs softly. “Well, that’s a shame because I was thinking we could maybe try it again. Sober this time.”

Bucks eyes widen and flash to Eddie’s face to see if he’s joking but it’s clear from the direct, unwavering stare that he’s completely serious.

“I- I mean, yes, we could. Of course. If you want,” he babbles. He smacks his palm to his forehead. “So smooth.”

“Are you that desperate?” Eddie taunts, a knowing smile dancing wickedly on his perfect mouth. Buck can’t resist being blunt as Eddie leans forward, closing the distance between them across the island.

“For you, yes,” he replies, his hand cupping the back of Eddie’s neck and pulling him closer still, his lips brushing against Eddie’s. “For every last drop.”


	6. Chapter 6

#7. "I can't breathe"

It hits Eddie when he least expects it. It bleeds into his unguarded subconscious mind like carbon monoxide in a home. There’s no warning, no way for him to protect himself from the onslaught of images play in his mind’s eye like some sick and twisted film reel.

There’s him in an unhappy marriage, running toward danger instead of sticking it out. There’s his unit in the desert, in the fight of their lives against an enemy they could barely see. There’s Shannon leaving. There’s Shannon coming back. There’s Shannon sprawled out on the city street, with only minutes left. There’s him terrified he’s lost his child. There’s him terrified his lost his best friend. There’s him buried around a mountain of mud; his fingernails caked with dirt as he claws his way out of the wreckage.

Eddie’s body twists against the sheets as he calls out the names of his loved ones that flit across his mind. “No,” he repeats over and over again. “God, no.”

“Eddie?” Bucks says beside him but Eddie is too far gone now, somewhere other than his bedroom with the man he loves.

He twitches violently against the mattress, a choked sob breaking free of him. He can feel cold sweat running down his face and the length of his neck.

“Eddie!” Buck calls out once more, but it hardly registers.

Eddie’s ears and heart are in competition with one other to see which can beat the hardest. He feels sick to his stomach and he finds it damn near impossible to breathe, let alone speak.

He can hear himself wheezing as his eyes water. Somewhere in all the jumbled noise is Buck’s voice but the words are a tangled mess that Eddie cannot decode. It’s been so long since he’s had a panic attack to this degree. He’s been good at keeping himself in check—or so he’d convinced himself. Tonight’s dream crept up completely unprompted and Eddie curses his traitorous subconscious for dredging up instances he’s desperate to forget.

What he wouldn’t give to not always be a prisoner of his own mind, forever spending each day working to keep himself composed. He’s had a lifetime of worth of upsets but he prided himself on being able to cope. Each time he thought he had this particular battle beat, a night terror would put him in his supposed place.

“I can’t breathe,” Eddie manages to eke out, gripping the collar of his shirt roughly as he tries to sit up in bed. He can feel it’s soaked and he can only imagine what the rest of him must look like. Worst yet, he can only imagine what he must look like to Buck.

He glances to his boyfriend now and can see the outright fear in his blue eyes. Ever the first responder though, Buck is quick to assess the situation and offer aid however he can.

“Eddie, it’s okay. You’re having a panic attack but I’m right here. I’m right here,” Buck says but the words reach Eddie as if they’re coming from across a canyon rather than right beside him.

Eddie let’s Buck sit him up further and he bends over, his hands linking at the base of his neck. Eddie does his best to control his breathing, reminding himself that he’s in this present moment. All the horrid memories that stole his sleep are just that—memories, things of the past that can no longer truly hurt him.

He feels Buck’s hand smoothing over his back and he clings to that too, letting it ground him like an anchor in a raging sea.

“You’re gonna be okay. It was just a dream but you’re safe now,” Buck continues to assure him and Eddie allows himself to be coaxed by Buck’s warm tone and certainty.

Eddie swallows the lump in his throat, his thumbs kneading the base of his neck to ease the pressure building there. He can’t help but to feel he’s failing at being the person he’s supposed to be.

To be the dutiful soldier. To be the fearless firefighter. To be the champion father. Eddie has no qualm being all these things but every now and then, in flashes, he finds himself incapable of being anything other than a wreck. Those moments have always been in private. Like most things he finds it easier to compartmentalize and shift his focus to areas it’s needed most. He’s always been good at downplaying, at deflecting. But now, in this bed with Buck, there’s no hiding the parts of him that he finds to be ugly. Night terrors always plagued him but he’s been on his own for so long it never really mattered when they came because there was never an audience to bear witness.

Eddie lets out a shaky breath, the pain in his chest beginning to subside. It’s very much still present but at least now he can exhale without much difficulty.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, keeping his head down low.

“Stop, okay? No apologizing,” Buck replies quietly.

“I never wanted you to see me like that.” Eddie raises his head then and clenches his jaw. “I must seem so pathetic to you right now.”

Eddie is surprised by how hurt Buck looks but before he can retract his words, Buck is speaking.

“Do you seriously think you’re weak or something?” Buck asks. “You’re the strongest guy I know.”

Eddie shakes his head and scrubs at his eyes. “This is strong to you?” he shoots back, trapping his bottom lip behind his teeth.

“It’s human. Shit, Eddie, you’re human. Cut yourself some slack.”

“I can’t. I don’t have that luxury,” Eddie says, pushing the covers off of him completely and getting to his feet. He hears Buck moving against the bed and looks up as his boyfriend. Buck is an imposing figure before him and Eddie can tell by the steely look in his eyes that Buck isn’t going to let him get away that easily.

“Buck—drop it,” he says in vain.

“No. Talk to me. What did you dream of?” Buck asks, searching Eddie’s face as if he could see the images flashing across.

Eddie shakes his head and cracks his knuckles, a telltale sign of anxiousness that makes him drop his hands instinctively to his sides. “Nothing…everything,” he amends. “Literally everything I don’t ever want to remember.”

Buck stays quiet for a moment, considering Eddie’s words. “I think you need to talk to someone,” he finally says.

“Isn’t that what I’m doing right now,” Eddie counters, met instantly with a deep frown from Buck.

“You know what I mean,” he says and Eddie sighs heavily in response.

“Yeah, I know. I just never thought I’d need to. I have a handle on it…I thought I had a handle on it,” he mumbles.

“No shame in asking for help if you need it. Hell, you’re a firefighter. You should know better than anyone that people are always there to help.”


	7. Chapter 7

#12. “You’re a genius with facts, but you’re really stupid with people.”

There are many things Buck loves about the fire station. There’s always something good to eat thanks to Bobby’s obsession with making home-cooked meals for the team. There’s never a shortage of hearty laughs around the television when they have spare moments to play a few rounds of a video game. But one of his favorite things is access to the gym and getting the chance to workout during every shift, if he’s so inclined.

Today he’s got the room virtually to himself with Eddie for company. Buck’s on the mat, working on his core and warming up with crunches as Eddie sits on bench doing bicep curls. Buck enjoys the sight each time he lifts off the ground. The snapshots of Eddie in action are a reward, he thinks, a special treat from the universe.

“Did you know the more muscles mass you have, the more fat your body burns while resting?” Buck muses aloud.

“Where’d you learn that? A Snapple cap?” Eddie retorts,

“Ha ha. How very not funny,” Buck replies. “I’m just saying, I know a ton of random things. It’s like my superpower or something.”

Eddie snorts and continues lifting his weight. Buck stares on silently for a moment before snapping out of it. He lets out a low sigh of relief when it’s clear Eddie hasn’t noticed he was staring.

“What’s so funny?” Buck presses.

“You’re a genius with facts but you’re really stupid with people.”

Now it’s Buck’s turn to snort. “You’re joking, right? I’m really good with people.”

“Alright, let me rephrase. You’re bad at knowing certain facts about them.”

Buck gives him a puzzled look. “You’re gonna have to explain that one to me because I’m not understanding what you’re getting at,” he says honestly.

Eddie sighs and puts down the weight he’s been working with and reaches for a towel, mopping off his brow.

“I bet I could shock you with a fact,” Eddie says in challenge.

Buck sits upright and stares back unflinchingly at Eddie. “Go ahead. Surprise me with something I don’t know.”

Eddie nods once, draping the towel around his neck. “I’ll bet that you didn’t know the guy sitting across from you right now wants to take you out on a date this Friday night.”

Buck can feel his eyes widen in shock and he quickly glances around the weight room though he knows they’ve been the only two in there for some time. He shakes his head and scoots a bit closer to Eddie in his spot on the ground.

“Are you serious right now?” Buck can’t help but to feel Eddie is just messing with him, trying to prove a point and win one over on him. Before he can allow himself to get his hopes up, he needs to make sure this isn’t a joke or something just said for shock value.

But the longer Eddie stares at him, the more he’s realizing that this isn’t part of their game. Buck tries and fails to recall when Eddie’s friendship with him morphed into something greater on the other man’s end. Maybe Eddie was right and Buck didn’t know as much as he thought. This was an oversight; he could admit that much.

“Yeah, I am,” Eddie says, some of his bravado from before fading a bit. “If you’d be up for that. No pressure.”

Buck shakes his head and quickly holds up a hand, nervous he’s giving the opposite reaction he means to project. “That’d be cool,” he says slowly, still trying to make sense of what’s happening. “Uh, yeah.”

Eddie’s brows furrow. “If you aren’t sure about this, don’t feel like you have to say yes, seriously. I just…yeah, it’s alright either way.” Buck watches as Eddie moves the towel from around his neck and rises from his seat on the bench. Buck follows suit and gets up from the ground quickly and dashing to Eddie, catching him around the wrist gently to hold him in place.

“I want to go out with you,” he says evenly, leaving no room for doubt or confusion. “Friday night. I’ll be there…everywhere there is.”

A slow smirk breaks across Eddie’s face and Buck can see the relief in his eyes.

“Perfect. It’s a date. I’ve got a few more surprises in mind I think you’re going to like.”


	8. Chapter 8

#39. “I love you. I just love her more.” [with Eddie about Chris]

There are an infinite number of places in the world Buck could be right now and he would gladly go to any of them right this minute, if he could. Because standing here in this spot across from his boyfriend who is breaking up with him is quite honestly both the last place he wants to be or ever thought he would be, for that matter.

His blood is racing and his hands are trembling as he looks down at Eddie who’s seated on the lip of the fountain. In another life this was the very spot that brought him comfort during the holidays, being mistaken for Christopher’s dad. It was high praise, so much so that he didn’t even clarify the mistake. He’d simply rolled with it, equally amused and pleased that someone would think he had a hand in raising up such a remarkable kid.

Now that very same child is the supposed catalyst for Eddie breaking up with him. Buck has been trying futilely for last twenty minutes of this argument to understand why Eddie feels he needs to put the brakes on their relationship, citing that he’s too terrified to go any further because he’s concerned at what further investment will do to Chris. The logic isn’t sound and Buck is determined to make Eddie see reason.

“I love you,” Eddie says, his lips quivering. “I just love him more. Buck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, you have to believe that. But I can’t risk Chris getting hurt again. He’s been through so much in nine years. It wouldn’t be right to gamble his happiness.”

“What about yours?” Buck asks, hating himself for putting Eddie through this. But could the other man truly believe he wouldn’t fight for this?

This question seems to stump Eddie who lets out an uneven breath. “It’s not about me. It always has to be about my son and I stand by that,” he says. “God, Buck. You don’t know how much I wish things could be different.”

To this Buck takes a step back and rubs at his wrist. “You’re the one with the power here to make it different,” he grits. “You can have both, Eddie. Don’t you get that? You don’t have to choose one or the other here.”

Buck isn’t sure how much of an impact his words are having on Eddie because the man’s head is buried in hands. He looks to Buck like he’s on fire and for as much as Buck is upset with him now, his instinct is to cradle him and vow that it will all work out.

“I’m not Shannon,” he presses. He knows it’s a low blow and that it’ll cut something fierce into Eddie but Buck feels it needs to be said. He refuses to pay for someone else’s mistakes when he knows that he’s more than capable of avoiding those pitfalls. “I’m in this for the long haul. You need to believe that. I love you so much. I love Chris like he’s my own.”

He pauses then and exhales sharply, sitting alongside Eddie, maintaining a safe distance. “I know you’re scared. I’d be surprised if you weren’t but I’m not dropping this. I can’t lose you either of you.”

Eddie looks up then, his eyes rimmed a harsh red. “Please, stop,” he says, his voice almost unrecognizable. It’s as if he’s got the weight of the world sitting heavily on his chest. It breaks Buck’s heart to see him like this.

“I can’t do that,” he replies, his words catching. To come this close to having everything only to lose it just short of the finish line isn’t something he can simply accept. He’s worked too hard for a love like this to lose it without a solid fight.

“Buck, please. This is hard enough already.”

Buck holds Eddie’s gaze and shakes his head, reaching for one of Eddie’s hands. The man lets it happen without protest and Buck takes that as a promising sign. He realizes it’s foolish and maybe even dangerous to cling to a hope that small but in a situation like this, he’ll take any signal that things may work in his favor.

“I promised you I’d have your back and I meant that, in every sense, Eddie, but that’s not all I have.” He places his other hand on the left side of Eddie’s chest. “This is safe with me too. Do you understand that? I will never, ever break your heart. I swear to God. I’ll swear on anything. Just give the chance to prove that to you,” he pleads, urging Eddie to not only listen to him but believe in what he’s saying.

Eddie’s mouth twists to the side and he looks away sharply as if staring at Buck for too long will place him under a trance. Buck wishes more than anything that he could delve into Eddie’s mind and pull out each and every negative thought that’s serving as an obstacle. He wants to nurse every concern and cure every hurt Eddie has ever felt.

It hits him now, fully, just how scarring the fallout of Eddie’s relationship to Shannon was if it’s left him this husk who’s too afraid to let light in.

“I could be good for you,” Buck says.

“I already know that,” Eddie replies softly, finally looking back. “And that’s part of what scares me most of all.” He licks his lips and Buck stays quiet, wanting to give Eddie space to continue if he wants. “If I let you in more now, into my life and Chris’, and this goes south for whatever reason, neither of us is going to recover. You’re already such a big part of our lives. Anything more…it’s just too risky,” he concludes.

“That’s not fair. You can’t end this relationship because of a possibility, Eddie. This could turn out better than either of could’ve ever hoped for. You don’t know that.”

Eddie’s eyes flash something fierce for the briefest of moments and it’s enough to silence Buck instantly.

“I cannot compromise my son’s happiness. I’ve already played with it before,” he says, getting up slowly from his seat. “I mean it when I say I love you, Buck.” Eddie searches Buck’s face for a moment before turning away.

Buck replays Eddie’s last sentence in his head but ultimately what he hears is this:

_I love you, Buck, just not enough._


	9. Chapter 9

#47. “Hold my hand until it’s over?”

Watching a movie with Buck is nothing new, Eddie reminds himself as he and Buck gear up for a movie night at Buck’s place. He’s lost track of just how many visits he’s made here. At this rate it feels like a home away from home. This is, however, the first time the two have been truly alone since making it clear to one another that their feelings over the last few months have been more than platonic. What’s new for Eddie is letting someone into his heart again after he’d all but sworn off dating but he truly didn’t stand a chance against a loveable guy like Buck.

He isn’t sure what tonight will bring but he’s hopeful it’ll end with the two even closer. A simple movie night is harmless enough, he figures. _There’s no real pressure_ becomes a mantra he drills into his head as his heart races.

Buck’s picked out the movie but Eddie can’t recall the name of it the second Buck sits beside him, their shoulders pressed together. He discretely pulls in a breath, feeling ridiculous for how the contact gets his heart racing. He almost misses what Buck says next.

“Hold my hand until it’s over?” Buck murmurs to him. Eddie smiles warmly at the request, all too happy to oblige.

“I think I can manage that,” he replies, his hand reaching for Buck’s and lacing their fingers.

He stares down at their linked hands, basking in the warmth of Buck’s large hand. Some things are just meant to go together, sure as day, like Buck’s hand in his. He skims the pad of his thumb along Buck’s hand, gently testing the waters of this newfound thing between them. His eyes dart to Buck’s face to gauge his reaction, to see if he’s somehow making the man uncomfortable at this slightly heightened interaction. But Buck’s face is the picture of calm—of bliss really. Eddie can’t remember the last time he’s seen Buck this relaxed and he takes comfort in knowing he’s the cause for it.

The movie plays on but Eddie cannot recall a single detail about it. He knows some popular actress is in the leading role but if someone were to ask, he’d draw a complete blank. He’s spent more than half the time so far staring at where he and Buck are linked, studying the river of veins in Buck’s hand to the point of absurdity but he can’t help it. Even a simple gesture like this is more than he thought he’d be able to have with Buck. Yet here it is now that the other man was the one to initiate the whole thing.

He dares a glance upward and falters briefly when he sees that Buck has already fixed his gaze on him. A slow smiles creeps across Buck’s face.

“Busted,” he says but his wide grin does very little to show any embarrassment at getting caught looking.

“I’m guilty too,” Eddie replies, laughing at himself. “God, what is happening here?”

“Tell me about it. I feel like a freaking kid right now,” Buck laughs, shaking his head. “It’s kind of ridiculous but cool at the same time. At least I know you’re feeling it, too.”

That’s an understatement if Eddie ever heard one. He’s feeling everything at once and it’s slightly overwhelming just how easily he’s getting drunk off his own happiness.

He gives Buck’s hand a light squeeze as the movie plays on and brings it to his mouth. He places a kiss on each knuckle, noting the way Buck’s breathing changes in response to him at each point of contact. To think that he’s capable of making anyone, especially Buck, come undone is baffling but Eddie leans into the bit of control he has now. Buck’s quiet but his eyes are almost pleading and Eddie is more than okay with complying.

“I could get used to this,” Buck whispers against his mouth, blue eyes staring into Eddie’s brown.

“We’ve got nothing but time.”


	10. Chapter 10

#38. "I lost the baby."

“Close the door!” Buck shouts the second the Eddie comes home. He does so immediately, the knee-jerk reaction kicking in.

“What the hell?” Eddie asks, setting down his duffle bag at the door and stepping further into the house.

Buck is on all fours, crawling around the foyer, his face the picture of distress. “I lost the baby,” he says as if this is a casual, everyday statement to make.

“Okay, how about we try that again, only this time you start making some sense,” Eddie says, stepping around Buck and going into the kitchen. He can hear Buck grunt and footsteps following after him.

From the doorway Buck wears a guilty expression that does nothing to quell Eddie’s uncertainty of over whatever it is he’s just walked into.

“Don’t get mad,” Buck begins, to which Eddie rolls his eyes. Nothing good ever follows a preface like that.

“What did you do, Buck?” Eddie asks tentatively, pulling a glass down from the cupboard and pouring himself some water.

Buck looks down sheepishly and Eddie can’t help but to imagine what he looked like as kid. He’s wearing the same face of a child expecting to be reprimanded for doing something they knew full well they weren’t supposed to be getting into.

“I wanted it to be a surprise. I was just trying to do something nice,” he says. “I, uh, I got Chris some hamsters.”

Eddie almost chokes on the gulp of water he’s just taken. He pounds his sternum, his eyes watering a bit. Through blurry eyes he can see Buck wincing. Eddie coughs once and clears his throat.

“You did what now?”

“I thought he would like them. And I know, I know, I should have run it past you before I got them but as far as first pets go for a kid, hamsters are pretty low maintenance, right? It’s better hamsters than a puppy you’d have to house train and they’re way cooler than lame fish you can’t even touch or else they die,” Buck says matter-of-factly, his words coming out swiftly, undoubtedly sensing Eddie’s rebuttal.

“Low maintenance?” he counters, amused. “Is that what you’d call an animal you’ve already lost somewhere in this house?”

“I—okay, you see, that was a total accident. It was just so small; I didn’t think it’d move so damn fast before I could close back the cage.”

“Where are the others?” Eddie asks, holding up a hand to stop Buck and save him from floundering even further.

“In the living room,” he replies bashfully.

Eddie shakes his head and leaves the kitchen, going straight into the living room to find that there is indeed a hamster cage sitting on the coffee table beside bag of pet supplies. He looks back at Buck who offers a weak shrug.

“You’re ridiculous,” Eddie laughs. “Adorable but so ridiculous.” He peers inside of the cage where the mother hamster is snoozing away and tucked onto the side of her brown and white fur is a smaller hamster with the same pattern.

“What color is the jailbird?” Eddie asks, standing upright, eyeing the time. Carla and Chris are set to come home in about half an hour and he wants to clear this whole matter up before then.

“It’s black and white,” Buck says, dropping down to the floor again. “It couldn’t have gotten far, right? God, what if we don’t find it?” he mutters.

Eddie amusement instantly turns to concern. Buck seems genuinely troubled by this.

“It’ll turn up, don’t worry. I’ve got an idea,” he says, going into the tote bag next to the cage. He fishes out a few pellets and places them on an open area of the living room floor. “Maybe we can lure it back in. Worth a shot anyway.”

Buck nods in agreement and continues his search. Eddie nods to himself before joining, turning over pillows and constantly watching where he’s stepping just in case the rogue hamster meets an untimely demise.

After twenty minutes of poking around, Buck throws up his hands in defeat. “Alright, I’m calling it,” he sighs. “I think it got sucked into a black hole.”

Eddie hates to admit it but the odds really aren’t looking too good for them or their rodent friend. He’s about to speak when he hears the sound of the door unlocking, followed by Carla calling out.

“Eddie? We’re here,” she announces, followed by her speaking in an undertone to Chris.

“Daddy?” Chris says aloud, Eddie already bounding to the door to greet him, Buck on his heels.

“Hey, buddy. How was your day?” he asks, giving his son a warm hug.

“What is that?” Carla cries out, moving backwards and gripping Chris’ shoulder to move him as well.

Buck’s head snaps in the direction she’s looking at grins like it’s Christmas morning and he’s gotten the present he’d been begging his parents for. Everyone watches as Buck squats down and picks the hamster up. Carla’s eyes are wide, her face in a grimace but Eddie looks immediately to Chris and watches the excitement wash over his face.

“ _That_ ,” Buck says, “is Chris’ new friend coming to say hello. He was waiting on you to come home.”

Chris reaches out both hands and Buck carefully transfers the hamster over. Eddie’s heart warms at the sight at his two favorite people having a special moment.

“Buck got him for you,” Eddie mentions, watching as Chris gently scratches the top of the hamster’s head.

“Thank you, Buck,” Chris says, beaming up at Buck who mirrors it back.

“No problem. I’m really glad you like it because I’ve got two more waiting for you, come on,” he says excitedly, leading the group back into the living room to introduce Chris to the others.


	11. Chapter 11

#28. “Not to be dramatic, but I think we’re all going to die”

“Good afternoon Angelenos, the following weather advisory has been issued for the following counties,” the news anchor greets on screen before launching into her update.

No one in the loft is surprised to hear that a heatwave has officially been declared for the area. It seemed sun rose this morning with a vengeance, bathing the entire city with fierce rays that showed no sign of letting up. With each passing hour the heat has become much too strong, more of a nuisance than anything else. For a group of firefighters, heat is nothing new. 

But today of all days, the air conditioning in the station has given out, making an already unbearable day even worse. No amount of ice water, complaining, or wishful thinking will alleviate the oppressive heat that has crept its way into the station, an unwelcome guest that overstays. Sweat runs down Buck’s temple and he flicks it away. He wishes he could step outside of his body for a little while. Any reprieve would be appreciated.

Hen groans beside him on the couch, wiping at her brow with a small hand towel and lifting her glasses, swiping at both sides of her nose just under where the frames sit.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she grumbles.

Bobby is pacing around on the phone with an electrician but from the tightness in his brows and tension in his shoulders, the team can already tell this conversation isn’t going in a direction any of them are going to like. Still they hold out hope. That sliver, however, vanishes as soon as Bobby lets out a sigh and nods while chatting, even though the person he’s speaking to on the line can’t see him.

“This isn’t looking too good,” Buck says, stating the obvious. All the same, the crew murmurs in agreement.

Bobby ends the call, the 118 peering over at him from the seating area as he heads to them.

“Well, looks like we’re going to have to wait a while. He says he’s been getting tons of calls since this morning but he’ll try to get to us as soon as possible.”

Hen laughs. “You should have let me talk to the guy. You’re too nice, Cap.”

“What was I supposed to do? Give him a shakedown?” he muses. “The guy gave me his word. I trust that.”

“Not to be dramatic, but I think we’re all going to die,” Chim declares. “Waiting around for an electrician during a heatwave is like having to wait for the cable guy. We’re probably last on his list, if we’re even on it at all.”

Eddie, who has been quiet this whole time, stands up and claps his hands together.

“Alright, you guys can knock yourselves out going back and forth on this but I’m gonna get us some supplies.”

“I’ll go with you,” Buck volunteers, quickly rising from his seat. “I mean, if you need an extra set of hands, that is.” He’s aware of everyone eyeing him but he can only focus on Eddie now, the slow smirk that spreads across his flushed face.

Buck can feel heat rise in his own cheeks and prays everyone believes it’s because of the sweltering heat and nothing more.

Eddie’s eyes roam and Buck can’t say he minds the places that they linger. Maybe it’s the heat getting to him, making him this bold, possibly making him imagine things. He tugs at the collar of his shirt, trying in vain to get even a wisp of air against his hot skin to steady himself. There’s been this unnamed, unaddressed energy between the two of them for weeks and Buck can’t shake the idea that they’re heading to a boiling point and fast.

Eddie takes his car keys out of his pocket, his eyes still trained on Buck’s face. He doesn’t say a word as he walks past him and heads down the stairs. Evidently he knows Buck will follow, never too far behind as always. It’s been that way since day one and Buck is convinced it’ll be like forever. It’s not such a bad fate, he thinks.

Buck let’s himself into the car once Eddie unlocks it, the leather interior hot against his back and legs. He waits for the air conditioning to kick in, desperate for the cool blast to soothe his flesh like a balm.

“What if we just stayed in here for the rest of the day, hmm?” he muses, tipping his head back against the headrest and closing his eyes. He would be perfectly content with cool air blowing across his face, frigid and satisfying as it wards off the heat just outside the vehicle. 

“Tempting, especially the part where it’s just you and me.”

Buck’s eyes fly open, his head turning slowly to face Eddie. They’ve been at this for weeks, their banter growing flirty, their stares lasting a few seconds longer than is really necessary but this…this is outright candidness, the likes of which Buck hadn’t been expecting either of them to actually own up to.

Buck allows himself to stare unabashedly at Eddie, the stray beads of sweat racing towards the collar of his shirt, his dark hair matted against some parts of his head. It’s unfair. It makes Buck feel things best friends shouldn’t. But Buck reasons they are well beyond that now.

“You and me, huh?”

“Doesn’t it always come down to that?” Eddie counters smoothly. Buck can’t argue the point.

He swallows thickly, his mouth already dry thanks to the temperature outside but somehow Eddie manages to make his throat feel like a desert. 

“We should probably get going,” he croaks, clearing his throat and trying again. “The team is waiting on us to stock up.”

“Let them wait,” Eddie says, leaning across the console. “This is more important.”

Buck’s eyes zero in on Eddie’s mouth as he speaks, the smirk, the slow way his lips part as Eddie closes the distance between them. Buck doesn’t move, not even a fraction of an inch for fear of deterring Eddie from making good on what he’s promising now.

It amazes Buck the way his body shivers in the midst of a heatwave all because he’s being kissed by Eddie Diaz but, he figures, he isn’t left with much of a choice, not with the way Eddie’s fingertips graze the length of his neck and comes up to settle at the base. Goosebumps spring up on his skin like wild poppies in a field. Buck relishes in the sensation. 

After a moment Eddie pulls away slowly. Buck has to resist the urge to protest but clearly his face is a dead giveaway as Eddie chuckles, playing absentmindedly with the hair at the back of Buck’s head teasingly.

“To be continued,” Eddie taunts, turning his focus to starting the car.

“I’m holding you to that. If that was just a preview, I want the full show.”


	12. Chapter 12

#24. “I know it’s the middle of the night, but can you come over, please?” 

It always takes him time to fall asleep but tonight, for some reason, it feels insurmountable. Usually Eddie can relax his tired, overworked mind long enough to trick it into shutting down. That isn’t the case now and it drives him mad the way he can’t get his brain and body to fall in line with each other. It’s one in the morning, a time when he should be like his son down the hall: fast asleep and shut off to the world for a few hours. But he can’t get that now, despite his best efforts.

Every sound outside his window is magnified. The weight of his blanket doesn’t sit right against his skin. The mattress underneath him feels like a stranger’s despite the well-worn groove it has made that fits his shape. Nothing feels right and it’s making the simple task of sleeping impossible.

Eddie reaches a hand to his nightstand, disconnecting his phone from the charger. He squints against the bright light of the screen, his eyes soon adjusting. He knows he shouldn’t reach out now. It’s late. He’s probably asleep by now and yet, Eddie’s finger hoovers over Buck’s name in his contact list, quickly pressing his thumb against the screen to place the call before he loses his nerve.

“Eddie, is everything okay?” Buck asks after three rings, concern clear as day in his voice. Eddie cringes; perhaps he should have sent a text instead. The suddenness of a late night call is more than enough reason to make anyone worry.

“Everything’s fine, everything’s alright,” he insists. “I just…I can’t sleep. I don’t know why I called you, that’s hardly your problem.”

Buck laughs softly. “I don’t mind it though. I was awake, too.”

Eddie wonders at what could be keeping Buck up but he doesn’t press the matter. He’s just grateful he was around to answer the call and is indulging him in conversation. It’s nice to have Buck’s voice in his ear but, admittedly, he would prefer to have his physical company instead. It’s why the next set of words go tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop himself and apply reason to the situation.

“I know it’s the middle of the night, but can you come over, please?”

He hates how desperate the request must make him sound, how childlike or maybe even foolish but he can’t help it. If Buck would even consider the notion for a second, Eddie would count it as a win. But he barely even takes that long; his answer is swift and clear.

“I’ll be there in ten. Hang tight.”

Eddie’s chest feels lighter already and he tries to reel himself in but he can’t help the sense of elation that floods through him. To have a friend like this who would drop everything just because he needed him meant the world. But if he’s being completely honest, at least to himself, he knows that the gesture carries more significant weight than that in his eyes. 

To simply matter counts for a lot. To matter to Buck means everything.

~*~

Ten minutes later Eddie’s phone buzzes against the mattress with a text from Buck saying he’s right outside the front door. Eddie hurries out of bed to let him in. Buck is in sweats and a plain white t-shirt but to Eddie, he may as well be dressed to the nines with how appealing he finds him. The shirt is form fitting, hugging each muscle in his taut frame. Buck’s face looks softer at this hour and it endears the man to Eddie all the more.

“Thanks for coming. You really didn’t have to,” he says as he steps aside to let Buck in.

He’s been over more times than Eddie can even begin to count but never in the middle of the night and certainly never for a reason like this. Still, they move with ease around each other despite the fact that this scenario is a new one for them.

“Maybe not but I wanted to.”

Eddie isn’t sure what to do with that, he isn’t sure if he’s reading too much into it and coming up with a meaning to the words that isn’t truly there. He knows the danger that comes in wishing for impossible things. 

And yet, he hopes anyway.

Eddie’s gaze lowers briefly before pulling back to Buck’s face. For the first time he isn’t able to look into Buck’s eyes and read his thoughts. It’s so unlike them that for a moment Eddie’s brows furrow, as if he can concentrate hard enough to see into Buck’s mind. 

He gives up the effort with a timid smile. Now that he has Buck in front of him at this hour, he isn’t quite sure what to do. In an ideal world they’d rest and wake up in each other’s arms but the idea feels far-fetched. Calls in the middle of the night usually mean something else entirely but that’s not the kind of relationship they have with one another—though Eddie would be lying if he said he had never thought about it.

He figures Buck picks up on his uncertainty because he’s the first one to breach the silence, giving them some clear instruction and something other to do than stand in the foyer looking at one another.

“Why don’t we try actually getting some sleep? Couldn’t hurt, right?”

Eddie nods stiffly and waits to see where Buck thinks this should happen. Buck turns and for a moment, Eddie is so sure he’ll veer off to the living room but he walks right past the opening and down the hall to Eddie’s bedroom. The blinds are somewhat twisted and there’s enough light coming in from the streetlamps outside to make it easier to see. Buck sinks onto the bed with such familiarity, as if this is a place he rests his head every single night. It makes Eddie’s heart flutter, the ease to which Buck operates inside his home. He always wants this to feel like a safe place for him, too.

Buck settles against a pillow, letting a deep contented sigh escape his lips as Eddie climbs into his side of the bed. Eddie stares up at the ceiling, so acutely aware of the warmth of Buck’s body beside him. At the start of the night this had seemed like a great idea but now that Buck is next to him, sharing his bed no less, Eddie finds his inability to sleep has just increased tenfold. He places his hands against his stomach, still keeping his eyes trained above him, his hands to himself. There’s no telling where he’d let them wander if given the chance.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” Buck asks, turning to lay on his side in order to face Eddie. Unable to ignore the question and the shift, Eddie follows suit and faces him in turn.

Eddie shakes his head and sighs. “No, it’s not you. I guess my head is a bigger mess tonight than I thought.”

Buck searches his eyes and Eddie stares openly at him, the striped effect of the light through the blinds casting parts of Buck’s face in shadow. It isn’t enough to downplay the curiosity in his expression and Eddie realizes he’s pushing this conversation to places he isn’t sure he’s ready for it to go.

“I’m just glad you’re here. It’s nice…having someone next to me,” he says. “It’s even better that it’s you.”

This time of night makes his lips loose but he can’t find it within himself to regret the words he’s saying. 

Buck reaches out a hand and strokes his cheek. Eddie’s heart trembles like an aftershock. Surely Buck has to know what a touch like that would do to him. Eddie’s eyes close and he tilts his head just a bit, allowing his lips to rest against the inside of Buck’s wrist. He can feel the man’s pulse quicken against his mouth. The reaction is enough to make Eddie brave enough to look at him again.

Buck’s mouth hangs slightly agape. “Eddie,” he says softly, a plea or prayer Eddie can’t say for certain but in those two syllables there’s a want.

Eddie tips his chin forward and Buck’s mouth is right there, ready and waiting. Eddie starts out slow, tentative as if making sure this is truly what Buck wants. But from the grip of Buck’s hand on his hip and the not so subtle pull he makes to draw Eddie nearer, there’s no doubt this is everything the other man desires as well.

Buck’s mouth is warm and welcoming, inviting Eddie in. He allows himself to get comfortable, sinking into the moment fully. Maybe they’ll both regret this come morning but here in this present moment, Eddie wants to lose himself entirely, give everything he has and lay it at Buck’s feet. Yes, maybe they’ll feel differently in the light of day, but all Eddie can do is focus on the here and now.

He feels drunk off Buck now, so intoxicating is the rush that comes from being this close to Buck. After a few moments he breaks away, trying in vain to settle his racing heart. He looks to Buck, takes in his bashful smile and soft eyes.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been dying to do that,” Buck says. All bets are off at this hour and Eddie appreciates their ability to be candid with each other now.

Eddie buries his face against the side of Buck’s neck, breathing him in and placing a soft kiss there. He feels as Buck swallows thickly, stunned that he’s able to work his way under Buck’s skin, never mind to this degree. He pulls back and looks at him.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to you doing it again,” he replies, surprising himself with boldness.

Buck chuckles, a throaty quiet laugh that reverberates in the pit of Eddie’s stomach. It’s easily his favorite sound. Buck leans in and kisses him deeply. Sleep has gone from being the thing he wanted most tonight to the absolute last thing he wants now and Eddie couldn’t be more pleased with that.


	13. Chapter 13

#76. “Can I freak out now?”

Eddie pulls his SUV up to his grandmother’s house and cuts the engine, leaning over a bit and peering at the house through Buck’s passenger side window just as the other man is doing. The anxiety coming off of Buck is palpable. Eddie puts a hand over Buck’s to try and help calm him down.

“Can I freak out now?” he asks, turning to look at Eddie, his words coming out in a rush.

His blue eyes are wide and filled with alarm, his cheeks have taken on a pinkish hue. This isn’t a version of Buck Eddie is used to; he can’t think of the last time he’s seen Buck this worked up over meeting someone. The fact that it’s his grandmother of all people makes the situation humorous to him but Eddie keeps that thought to himself. Buck is clearly nervous and the last thing he wants to do is add on to his stress but he wants to do whatever he can to help Buck through this. Or at the very least, get him out of the car. 

“What if she doesn’t like me?” Buck asks. It’s both such a sincere and ridiculous concern to have. Technically this isn’t their first meeting. Buck had been the mastermind behind the station’s Christmas party that brought everyone’s families together so they could spend some of the holiday with their loved ones. At best, they must have just exchanged pleasantries and a bit of small talk.

Eddie can concede to Buck’s point. Now he wasn’t being introduced as Eddie’s friend or co-worker. Their titles had evolved, their connection deepened. They were boyfriends, significant others, partners in a whole new sense. Eddie himself felt different around Buck now because of it– in the best way possible.

This setting was much different than the holiday party had been. It was a private dinner where Eddie would be aiming to bridge a gap between two important elements of his life. His grandmother just knew Buck in passing, had heard stories of their life-saving rescues, had heard stories from Chris about their special days together. Now she would know Buck for herself and Eddie was sincerely looking forward to that. Buck was a major part of his life and he wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible. Preferably forever, if he could be so lucky.

“As much as it pains me to say this, have you ever met a person who didn’t like you?”

The team would joke often likening Buck to a dog but at the heart of it was his keen ability to connect with people instantly. Everyone loved Buck. He was outgoing, personable, and warm. There was no such thing as being uncomfortable around him. Eddie found that Buck was just one of those people that had an innate talent for drawing folks to him one way or another. Eddie knew better than anyone that it was impossible to be immune to his charm.

“I don’t know. You weren’t so fond of me in the beginning,” Buck counters. Eddie cocks his head to the side and lets out a bark of a laugh.

It rings throughout the car but he can’t stop himself. Was Buck really going to rewrite their history like this?

“Is that honestly how you remember it? Because I seem to recall you being petty and miserable all because you thought I was just so hot you couldn’t stand it,” Eddie teases. “You were the one with a problem, not me.”

Buck jokingly glares and rolls his eyes. “Let’s not get carried away. I thought you were, you know, mildly attractive from a completely objective standpoint.” 

He isn’t fooling either of them and joins Eddie in a laugh.

“Seriously though, Buck. You’re going to be amazing. She already thinks you’re great. She’s going to love you. There’s just no other alternative here, trust me.”

Those last two words seem to do the trick as Buck nods to himself and squares his shoulder. He holds onto the bouquet of wildflowers perched on his lap, a burst of purples and reds and pinks. It had been completely Buck’s idea to bring flowers today and it warmed Eddie’s heart to see the level of dedication and kindness he was willing to put into this meeting today. It was little things like this, an unprompted sweet gesture, that proved the point Eddie has been making all along. Buck is simply a good person, the kind the world needs more of. It only makes Eddie all the more grateful to have found something real like this, especially within his best friend.

Buck reaches for the door but Eddie leans across him, stopping him from opening it. Buck stares at him, a confused expression on his face. Eddie doesn’t answer with words, just stares back for a moment before placing a kiss on his lips. It doesn’t take much prompting for Buck to reciprocate. Eddie can practically feel the man’s anxiousness slipping away with each passing second. Eddie pulls back shortly after and sighs.

Buck’s smile is warm but it’s clear in his eyes that he’s trying to understand what pushed Eddie to kiss him just then. Eddie merely shrugs.

“I just think you’re amazing and it makes me really happy that we get to do this. All my favorite people are about to know each other. It means a lot to me, it really does,” he concludes.

Buck smiles at him, kisses the tip of his nose and brushes Eddie’s hair back off his face.

“You can be unfairly adorable at times,” Buck laughs, pecking his mouth quickly. He sighs softly and looks out the window again before facing Eddie. “Ready to go in?”

Eddie raises a brow. “Oh? You’re not nervous anymore?”

Buck shakes his head. “There’s no real reason to be, is there? Besides, if you’re right and I’m as charming as you say, I think I could win her over and get her to show me pictures of you as a kid. She and I will be best friends in no time,” he says airily. 

Eddie’s eyes narrow jokingly, reaching for the key in the ignition. “It’s not too late for me to call this whole thing off. She would defect to your side in a heartbeat to share those photos. Maybe I didn’t think this through all the way.”

“Too late, we’re here now,” Buck says, patting Eddie affectionately on the arm, a wicked teasing smile on his lips. “Now let’s go. My new best friend is waiting for us. And if she just so happens to have embarrassing childhood photos at the ready, who am I to stop her from sharing?”


	14. Chapter 14

#79. “What I’m about to do is totally crazy, but just roll with it”

This is not how Buck saw his Friday night going. This is literally the last thing he expected but there’s no mistaking the fact that it’s Abby chatting and laughing alongside Sam.

Buck hates the fact that after all this time and after all she’s put him through, he still reacts so viscerally to her. She laughs and suddenly it’s as if there is no other sound in the bar. His heart aches at the ring in her tone and he resents the feeling. He should be past this. He thought he already was but the proof is unavoidable now. She moved on and found happiness. He believed the lies he told himself to be true. Where Abby had gone on to a new relationship, Buck found himself merely going through the motions and calling it healing.

This is not how he planned on seeing her again. In fact, he had been content in the idea that they would never cross paths again. Their story had ended, much in the way so many others have. The road they traveled went in opposite directions yet here she was now, very much a part of his reality once more. It’s unnerving and Buck’s first instinct after wanting to dodge her is to try and save face for the inevitable moment when she spots him. Crowded as the bar may be tonight, the chances are still too great and the last thing he wants to do is look sad and alone in front of her.

So, he thinks quickly and devises a plan. Whether or not it’s a good one remains to be seen but now that the idea is in his head, Buck can only follow through with it and hope for the best.

Buck surveys the area in search of the first attractive person he sees. Most of the patrons around him are already drunk or halfway there. What he needs is someone who still has their wits about them and seems nice enough to come to the rescue of a perfectly good stranger with an odd request. He feels antsy, so sure that Abby will notice him before he gets the chance to find a willing partner for his ruse. Abby would be cordial enough to approach him. Unlike most people, she wouldn’t pretend not to notice him. At a time like this, it’s all he’s hoping for but where Abby is concerned, luck has never really been on his side.

He turns to the left and that’s when Buck spots him. There’s a guy a few feet away with a five o’clock shadow, dark hair, and a sturdy frame. Yes, he’ll certainly do. Buck just prays the man won’t think he’s insane for this and actually be willing to indulge him.

Buck wedges his way over to where the stranger is standing, waiting to get the bartender’s attention. While there’s downtime, Buck deems this the perfect time to strike.

“Hi,” he greets. “Look, I know you don’t know me but I kind of need a quick favor from you.”

The man regards him with amused curiosity, his eyes crinkling at the corners, his head cocking slightly.

“Alright, I’m listening.” He crosses his arms over his chest and Buck is momentarily distracted by the tautness in the man’s forearms. Buck looks back up to his face. This man truly is the perfect choice.

Buck opens his mouth to speak but before he gets a word out his eyes lock onto Abby’s. Buck works to keep his face neutral. Abby murmurs something to Sam, undoubtedly telling him that she’s just spotted Buck because her fiancé turns against his stool and offers a tentative wave.

“Shit,” Buck mumbles through barely parted lips as he waves back. He shifts his focus back onto the stranger in front of him, seeing Abby make her way through the crowd towards him.

“What I’m about to do is totally crazy, but just roll with it,” he says, his tone serious. 

Abby draws nearer and Buck plasters on what he hopes is a convincing welcoming smile.

She hesitates before going in for a hug and the entire exchange is awkward as they both try to gauge how they’re supposed to interact with one another. There’s too much history between them, a lot of which Buck is still trying to make sense of. But if she wants to push through and keep things amicable, Buck can do the same.

She smiles as they pull away, her eyes drifting from Buck to the man standing next to him.

“Hi, I’m Abby,” she introduces, extending a hand.

“I’m Eddie, nice to meet you,” he replies, shaking her hand.

_Eddie_ , Buck repeats in his head. He probably should have learned the man’s name before throwing him head first into this situation.

“My boyfriend,” Buck says, slipping his arm around Eddie’s waist. Buck is surprised when Eddie leans in to him and places a hand on Buck’s stomach. His pulse quickens at the unexpected warmth of Eddie’s touch, shocked even further when he keeps his hand there.

Abby’s eyes widen but she quickly recovers. “That’s wonderful. It’s extra nice to meet you then, Eddie.” She looks to Buck who just flashes a smile back.

“Yeah, it just sort of happened but it’s been amazing ever since.”

Since Eddie has been cool with selling this so far, he feels comfortable enough to place a kiss on the man’s cheek. Being this close to him, and for this long, Buck finds himself feeling far more relaxed with a person he’s known for all of five minutes. All the same, the fact that Eddie has kept the act going makes him confident he isn’t the only one getting caught up in it all.

“I’m so happy for you, Buck. Really, this is great.” Abby runs a hand through her long strawberry blonde hair and glances over her shoulder. “I should really get back to Sam but I just had to drop by and say hello. It was good to see you, Buck.”

“You too, Abby. Say hi to Sam for me.”

With that Abby turns away to go back to her table with Sam and Buck lets out a sigh of relief that it’s all over much faster than he’d been anticipating.

“I take it that was your ex,” Eddie says, dropping his hand. Reluctantly, Buck draws his arm away from where it’s been encircling Eddie’s waist.

Buck groans and shakes his head at himself. “Yeah. I’m sorry about that. I just panicked seeing her and, yeah, sorry.”

“Did you hear me complaining? As far as temporary boyfriends go, I’ve gotta say, you’re a pretty good one,” he muses, his eyes roaming.

Buck can feel himself beginning to blush. He clears his throat, regaining composure. 

“Can I buy you a drink? I think you’ve more than earned it after putting up with that whole mess.”

Eddie laughs and nods. “Sure, I’ll have a beer. And your phone number, if it comes with it.”

Buck smirks at the smoothness of Eddie’s reply, offering up one of his own. 

“Yeah, it’s a two for one special,” he says, holding out his hand for Eddie to give him his phone. Buck punches in the number once he does. “You’d better actually use it.”

“Of course I will. I’d be a pretty crappy boyfriend if I didn’t, wouldn’t I?”


End file.
